Technically, it’s three. But they are related.

So first of all, scratch all of this. Maybe not the last one. Even that is iffy, though.

Right out the gate, I want to make it a requirement that anyone considering the office must not own any land or home, must not have more than $100 to their name at any given point after declaring intent, and that their intent must be declared a minimum of two years in advance.

This is important.

Anyone can declare intent. ANYONE. But breaking any of the previous rules warrants immediate termination of that declaration. Another may be made in the next calendar year, but yeah. Having any significant amount of money (and trust me, $100 is already more than most people in this country can retain at any given time) or any kind of home results in immediate disqualification.

How do they survive that time, then? Easy. Government assistance.

I am absolutely not shitting you when I say that I think it should be a baseline requirement for any candidate to survive purely based on government assistance for a minimum of two years before even being in the running for presidential office. Not only that, but they cannot receive any special treatment at all. Maybe a pseudonym is necessary if they’re already known, whatever. When I say they gotta be living in section 8 housing, I mean they gotta be living with all the other folks living in section 8 housing. When I say they gotta be fed by SNAP, I mean ONLY by SNAP, around other folks who rely on SNAP to survive. Give them Medicaid, and that’s it. See what they learn.

In those two years, they are able to speak publicly, but must never show their face while speaking as a candidate, and their voice must be distorted. Or, the option remains to only communicate to the public via writing. No demographic information may be revealed. They must not disclose their intent to others who know them in real life. They must not operate any platforms of their own; let them send letters to already-existing media. No debates allowed in real time.

After the two years are up, however, they must cease all verbal or written contact. With anyone about anything.

At this point, they can be known publicly by their chosen pseudonym, but they must still hide their face. In a more pointed way, though. Something really simple – a dark blue shawl, whatever. Something they all wear outside that shows what they’re intending, identical to every other candidate beyond a mark of their pseudonym.

It’s important that they be seen at this point, though. Because forsaking the ability to speak, they must communicate via actions. They must show who they are with their presence alone: at protests, at bill signings, at concerts, gun ranges, whatever.

No public debates. No debates in real time at all. Frankly, I’d suggest not responding to any other candidates outright, but that might be crazy.

Absolutely no public speaking.

(No political parties anymore, either, I fucking think. Bare minimum, frankly.)

In the months leading up to the election, they may collect council members. Not any grand council; these people will not replace any other government officials. Just a personal counsel to advise the individual running for office. These people are free to do what they want, and ought to. They may not quote the candidate, should the candidate speak with them privately (though even this is heavily discouraged). They must speak their minds, share their own beliefs, and are allowed to speak to the public on how they might advise the candidate, should they be elected to office. The candidate may dismiss them at any time via some kind of form letter that is the same for everyone and contains no specific information as to why, but the understanding is that these people will come from different places and hold their own sometimes contradictory beliefs. Disagreeing with them on any single statement should not be grounds for dismissal. They are there to disagree with each other, yet work together.

If the candidate is elected, this is where the real humility starts.

No idea what the presidential version of humility garb and stupid haircut will be, but it will exist.

The president must wear something like this, something real simple, stupid, something dumb has got to be done with that hair. Absolutely no modifiers of any kind, and frankly bitch, they must still refuse to speak publicly. At this point, however, they may reveal their name, and they may write.

How do we make this happen? I have no fucking clue. There are several reasons I have no intent to ever go into politics, and this is really just one of them.

It’d probably be a much better system if it could go into practice, though. For real.