We went to the dentist every six months.
I hated it, especially since we went to see my uncle. He was fine, but his assistant once jammed the sucking thing so far down my throat I gagged, and then she silently left and apparently informed my mom that I’d spat on her, on purpose. My mom had thought ‘probably not on purpose,’ but had said ‘ok, I’ll talk to her.’ The injustice of this positively wounded me.
After she died, and maybe even a little before, I stopped going to the dentist.
I brushed my teeth. I felt no pain. It was probably fine.
At first it was about that, and then it was about money. Money was what we needed to continue our lifestyle of being fucked up just constantly. My grandmother, in a desperate act, at one point paid out of pocket for me to have my teeth cleaned. The dentist she paid commented on the mess I’d made of my mouth. “There’s even just plaque build up here. That goes away just by brushing.”
“I brush my teeth,” I’d lied, and thought about spitting on him on purpose.
Years went by after that, and I went deeper and deeper into the pit. When I finally went to rehab, a woman with no teeth at all told me my teeth were perfect. I stared incredulously at her and pulled back my lip to reveal the brown one. She shrugged. “Mostly perfect,” she said.
After rehab, I failed to do a lot of things, including go to the dentist. I didn’t even call a dentist’s number until I was over a year sober, and by that point, brown tooth was gone, as were a few others.
There is little uglier than a broken smile. At least to the general public. I didn’t realize it’d cause so much disdain, but when my fake tooth broke, I learned in sobriety how much of what I thought I deserved was granted through teeth. I couldn’t afford to replace the broken tooth, and couldn’t bring myself to ask my grandmother, so for a long time I just smiled with a closed mouth, and watched the disgust flicker across stranger’s faces whenever I started talking. I started driving for uber, and by that point I barely noticed it–the lack of respect. Until I got free new teeth.
That happened two days ago, and it’s honestly pretty amazing how drastic the change has been. My rides rarely shut down as soon as they get in the car, now. Men especially treat me with oodles more respect. The only folks whose behavior hasn’t changed is my family, Jacob and Sookie. Sookie, obviously, because she’s four. Though she did tell me my new teeth were pretty. Jacob because he’s Jacob, and he loves me, and I might as well still not have any teeth.
I am equally as annoying with teeth.
Just not to the world outside.
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