What a complicated question for an addict, haaaaa.
I used to be part of these ‘gratitude lists,’ groups that forward lists of things they’re grateful for to one another every day. I’m still part of one, but rarely participate. This does not mean I’m not grateful. This means I’m afraid.
At first, fearful that whatever I listed would be pried away from me. Then, as time wore on, more realistically afraid that I was wrong. I used to name ‘nicotine’ every day, just for instance. You get the picture.
I guess there is one thing I’m positive I’m not wrong about.
I wake up early. I wake up early most days, and most days, my daughter will come to the top of the stairs while the sun is only just beginning to reach dewy tendrils across our yard. I will feel a swooping sense of exhaustion, realizing my time alone is over. I will feel a deeper sense of love, and I will say, “Good morning, baby. Did you have a good sleep?”
She will nod. She will be clutching something in her arms, a new stuffed animal each day. Then she will walk down the stairs with the halting exhaustion of a zombie and collapse into my arms, all warm limbs and sleepy trust.
I am not wrong. This habit brings me joy. I am afraid, though, as every parent is.
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