Me: This Hallmark movie–

Husband: Wait, are you watching it?

Me: No, I’m watching–

Husband: Oh jeez, someone who watched it talk about it.

Me: YES, ok, anyway, this Hallmark movie–

Husband: You know, there’s different levels. Level one: watch 7th Heaven is a good Christian TV show and that’s why Boone from the hills likes and respects it. Level two–

Me: –is called, like, “How to Train Your Husband,” or whatever, and–

Husband: Level two is “I’m watching this ironically. And that’s just, like, juvenile. Especially because most people who say that really think they are.

Me: –it’s about a woman who’s like, a marriage therapist–

Husband: Third is “maybe 7th Heaven actually was made for me, a Jew, sitting here on the couch laughing about how crazy Christians are.”

Me: Can I finish a fucking sentence?!

Husband: *angry sounds*

Me: *angry sounds*

*silence*

Husband, after a couple of minutes of watching the youtube video with me: Ah yes, the secret to a happy marriage if you’re a lady. A gay husband and two dogs.

Me: He really is very gay.

Husband: Just to wildly profile.

Me: You mean to recognize our culture? Yah. Not all of us are in the culture, but some of us are the culture, you know?

Husband: No.

Me: That’s cuz you aren’t either, ahaha. You’re like. Accidentally queer.

Husband: Straight passing.

Me: Ha!

*watch more*

Husband: Ok, so we got it.

Me: Ahaha, yeah?

Husband: the secret to a happy marriage: actually like who you are married to.

Me: Boom. And not be a giant bitch.

Husband: Not be a giant bitch to your husband, who you like. Boom.

Me: We’re almost there.

Husband: Yeah, I guess you just gotta work on not being–

Me: I guess we BOTH just gotta work on not being

Both, shouting over each other: A GIANT BITCH!