If you could switch lives with a famous person for a week, who would it be and why?

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I understand why people are passive aggressive, and often find myself tempted to make that my new thing. It’s nice, after all, to be able to tell someone to go fuck themselves in another language. This is true everywhere. With passive aggression, however, you technically say it in the same language, but in a way where they can’t pin down what you’ve done. You escape, blameless and terrible, and if they accuse you of anything you can play the victim so hard you start to believe it yourself.

Problem is that I don’t respect this play at all. Not even a little bit. So unless I want to descend into new chasms of self-hatred, we’re just gonna have to keep being BitchClassic when the urge strikes. 

In terms of characters, though—and famous people are kind of like fictional characters—the passive aggressive ones are always my favorites. Passivity in general doesn’t serve them, but aggression does. The combination leaves viewers reeling, me included. 

I don’t know who I’d want to trade places with. Not a writer. Not anyone who has to be anywhere this week, either. Probably just someone rich and private, someone without kids, and then I’d take a bath.